I have always been very naive.
Gullible.
Too trusting.
Stupid, even. And, I don’t say this lightly, so let it sit for a while.
Stupid, even.
I can’t imagine why anyone would deliberately undermine me. Especially not someone I interact with every day. Someone I consider a trusted friend or colleague.
When something happens to shake my trust in the world, I shrink back. I enclose myself in a protective shield. Then, because it’s exhausting or because it feels safe again, I start trusting again and I do something to expose myself once more.
And I never learn my lesson. At least I haven’t learned it, yet.
So, it’s no wonder that when I think I can trust someone, I find out that the opposite is true. But then it’s too late: I’ve bared my soul. I’ve made myself vulnerable.
I can’t seem to find a middle ground.
This situation feeds on my self-confidence.
So, wouldn’t it be better if I stayed in the shadows? Hidden? Not saying anything? Protecting myself? Redirecting my energies elsewhere?
Wouldn’t it be better?
Two Writing Teachers Tuesday Slice of Life Challenge
Elisa Waingort 
I’m exactly the same way, and I’ve unfortunately been dealing with exactly the same situation, and I know how much it hurts. What to do? I wish I knew, but I’m still wrestling with it myself. Ultimately, hiding & shutting myself off just doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel like me, so I try again, even though it’s terrifying. Hugs!
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I agree that in the end hiding is not the answer. I just started reading a book about emotional intelligence in the workplace from the Harvard University Business School. Sorry but I don’t have it handy and I can’t remember the title. One of the EI pieces is about self-awareness or knowing yourself. Recognizing the kind of person you are and how you typically respond to certain situations can help you take a step back before acting on feelings that may give you an unwanted result. So far, it has helped me think through this situation.
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I think more than a few people can relate to this very thing. I can. And sometimes I pose the same questions to myself that you did. But I’ve learned you have to be yourself-no matter ‘how exhausting’ as you so correctly put it. I don’t think you can shrink into a shell or you’ll just become a shell of a person. Be yourself. In the end you’ll be a happier person. 🙂
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And, while comforting to know that I’m not alone, it makes me sad to realize how prevalent situations like mine really are. I do agree that crawling into a shell is not the best answer. Sometimes it’s just a temporary solution until I can figure out my feelings and what to do about them. Confronting how I’m feeling or what is happening and letting go, as corny as it may sound, is working for me at the moment.
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I’ve been burned like this several times. I must confess, I’ve tried to brick-up my heart a bit in an effort not to be hurt by bearing my soul to others. It’s beyond challenging to have to live like that when you just want to trust others. It’s terrible when you give others your confidence, but can’t get it back in return.
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Yes, Stacey. It’s what we all want: to trust enough in others to confide in them. When this backfires it can be devastating. At some point, I need to protect myself, at least for a little while, until I feel safe again.
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I understand, Elisa.
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Never a good feeling. I’m so sorry you are feeling like closing off. I wish I had good advice but what I usually try to do is write. Processing my anger, sadness, or helpless feelings often release a little if I write them down but that isn’t what works for everyone. It’s a lonely feeling but my hope is you’ll find that one true person you can trust.
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Thank you, Betsy! I agree that writing sometimes helps me process how I’m feeling and gives me the space to figure out how to respond or not. I’m working on report cards this week so that’s helping me take my mind off this situation a little bit. I think writing this slice was definitely an attempt to start to do what you suggest; in a more private space I can really let go!
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All of the stuff hidden between the lines is what I am considering. I hope you don’t let those things keep you down. Confidence is yours to be had.
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Thank you for noticing that. Yes, there’s lots going on between the lines. Some of it is about me and how I respond to disappointing situations having to do with trust. And, some of it is about how difficult it is to make sense of this…again.
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May your heart be encouraged today. You are precious, and strong and courageous.
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Thank you Loralee! I needed to hear that!
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I am sorry you had this experience. Would you be able to live in the shadows? From what I have read, I don’t think so. Being trusting and vulnerable may hurt sometimes, but you keep true to yourself. Wishing you resilience.
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Thank you, Terje! Ha! You’ve got my number! It’s true that I couldn’t live in the shadows for long. As much as it would be easier and less painful to do so, that’s not me. I’m starting to gain some perspective on what’s going on and I’m feeling better as I write. I just need to resolve this once and for all so that I’m not blindsided the next time because I know there will be a next time!
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