This Year

This year, unlike previous years, I had many more students with multiple complexities, including anxiety and defiant and/or resistant behavior.

And, I am full of regrets: I wish I had been a better teacher for them.

I tried hard, but sadly I sometimes acted against my own instincts as a teacher. So much so that there were days when I didn’t recognize myself.

I tried to give myself grace.

I tried to replay challenging events that went awry so that I could understand them and do better the next day. Sometimes I succeeded, but not as often as I would have liked.

I lost whole nights of sleep perseverating on this or that child’s behavior or learning to figure out what I did wrong.

I blogged about it.

I journaled, sometimes.

I counted the days until the end of the school year. (Something I’ve never done before.)

I held class meetings.

I admonished myself.

I admonished students.

I spoke too harshly.

I didn’t speak harshly enough.

I blamed parents.

I blamed myself.

I failed myself.

I failed my students.

There’s no other way to say it.

I’m still grieving. Last year was probably my last year in the classroom and I wanted a different ending.

This year I will be a 0.5 Resource Teacher. I will have another opportunity to make a difference in the lives of students and teachers. And, in the end, that’s what makes teaching such a powerful learning experience: teachers and students are always afforded a do over.

So, now that last year is finished and done, I’m looking forward to a new school year in a new role with infinite possibilities.

Let’s go!