Routine

I rarely have time in the mornings to myself, other than the time I need to get ready for the day.

Yet, morning is the best time of the day for me. I am more productive. I move faster. I feel energized and ready for the day. But getting up early is a challenge when the previous night (nights, really) have not been restful.

I used to enjoy the hours between 9:00 and 10:00 P.M. to read and write. But somewhere along the way, it all started to feel like a burden. I started to feel like I was going through the motions of someone else’s routine: journal, write a line about my day, read, meditate or not, get ready for bed.

Although I had every intention of reading and writing before bed, it wasn’t long before I would instead start off by checking social media and then switch to playing a game or two of solitaire. And, before I realized it, I was feeling drowsy. I’d rearrange my body on the bed, fluff up the pillows and pick up my book to read. The words swimming on the page despite my neck light being on at full blast. With my glasses perched on my nose, I squinted at the words as they looked smaller and smaller on the page, my eyes closing nevertheless.

So, I’d lay down my book on a corner of the already overcrowded night table piled with more books, my computer, a glass of water, pens, notebooks, my trusty Vicks Vapor Rub, and sticky notes waiting for one of my never ending lists. I’d twist in bed to turn off the lamp, and as I drifted off to sleep, my mind admonished me for another day wasted. No reading or writing done, just lots of Netflix binging instead. (Oh, I forgot to mention that!) Just a sense of failure and regret and the resolve to do better tomorrow.

I’m still working on that.