Some days, when my little, but powerful inner voice decides to speak up, it likes to tell me that I have accomplished very little in my life.
That everyone has done so much more than I have, especially when it comes to those things that I keep moving from my short- and long-term to-do lists. Again and again and again.
That I’m not good enough and that’s why I haven’t reached the summits I intended to reach. At least, it’s what everyone kept telling me. What they expected from me.
But I came up short.
I haven’t written that book.
I haven’t launched that podcast.
I haven’t gotten that specialist position.
I haven’t finished my doctorate.
I haven’t become a sought after consultant or professional learning leader.
I haven’t achieved the mountains I’d thought I’d achieve by now.
So, I read other people’s books.
Attend their seminars.
All the time, wishing I could be them. In awe of them. Embarrassed of me.
I am limiting myself, my choices, the life I could still create for myself.
I am living the worst story I can tell myself right now. I know that. (I read my Gabor Maté.)
And then, the worst possible thought takes up residence in my mind. In my body. In my actions. ‘But I’m too old,’ it whispers forcefully.
I am my thoughts. And my thoughts are clearly debilitating me. Sabotaging me. Hurting me. Preventing me from creating myself in the way I was meant to be.
But that’s just today.
I know I can change this vision of myself and not necessarily by using affirmations. Those never worked for me, anyway or at least not in the long run.
It’s really about confronting and making nice with my demons. Acknowledging them and then being curious enough to figure out what lies beneath, so that I can find peace and move on to the me I was meant to be. Not a new me, but the me that has been hidden for so long that it might be hard to recognize her when she emerges.
I’m not saying this will be a one and done deal. I’m prepared for the long journey, setbacks and all.
Although I haven’t officially started – I don’t even know what that means exactly, since I’ve been down this road before but have not gone far enough – I’m determined to do the hard work. If there’s something I know it’s that this journey will be long and it will take me many places that are unknown to me in my current state.
On this journey (maybe I’ve already started?) I will take Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal and Yung Pueblo, lighter, with me. I will use my journal, and this blog, to help me process my thoughts and feelings. I will create a vision for myself that will help me know myself in the ways I’m supposed to be.
2 thoughts on “The Me I was Meant to Be”
Elisa, you are a wonderful person with a huge heart! That is an accomplishment many people cannot claim. I started teaching late in life, and I often wonder what would have happened had I started teaching at 22 instead of 42. But I decided to live kind of like your last line, “I will create a vision for myself that will help me know myself in the ways I’m supposed to be.” I hope you will find yourself and see what others see in you!
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Aww, Leigh Anne! I appreciate you. Thank you for your kind words. I will carry them with me on this journey.