In April, it will be a year since my mom passed away.
This week my brother and I sold her condo in Miami.
My brother has promised to send me some pictures and other things he found when he cleaned her apartment to get it ready to sell.
I can imagine the pictures that he will be sending me. I can see all of them on the walls of her apartment.
I am writing about this to prepare myself for that package.
My relationship with my mom was always a battlefield. I never knew when something I’d say or do would cause her to attack or belittle me.
And nothing I could write here will do justice to the complexity of our relationship.
The truth is that I loved her, but I also feared her.
She was very controlling and manipulative.
And I am still working through a jumble of unresolved emotions.
But I have to make peace with myself.
I have to make peace with her.
And I have to make peace with our relationship.
I am hoping the “stuff” my brother promised to send will help move me in that direction. I am sure they will stir a lot of buried memories.
Remembering is always a positive step forward.
I am ready to look back and accept the range of feelings I experience when I think of my mom so I can move forward.
Here I go.
Cross posted to The Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Story Challenge.
Elisa Waingort 
Dear Elisa,
I find that our relationships with the ones we love the most are often among the most intense and yet delicate. My father passed five years ago, and though he was my superhero, I have many painful memories throughout my life that are inextricably linked to his struggle with alcohol and mental illness.
Nevertheless, he was still my dad, and I forgave him for his many faults and flaws (recognizing that we all have them in varying degrees). That being said, I applaud you for this beautiful musing of your mom, your courage in facing the difficult realities and preparing to accept anticipated challenges.
I imagine, despite her shortcomings and perhaps, awareness of the complexities of your relationship, she loved you, too. May you find every ounce of peace that you seek and then some – with a beauty between you that transcends those parts that were harder to grasp.
With Warmest Regards,
~Carla Michelle
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Thank you for you beautiful comment, Carla. Your words reminded me of a friend’s recent musings about her father who passed away recently. There is so much pain in our relationships with our immediate family members, whether we see them often or not and so much love, too.
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Dear Elisa,
You have spoken a true word indeed. I contend that sometimes the greatest pains come not from the ones who seem to be our enemies, but the ones who are closest to us. As you stated, they are also often the sources of our greatest loves.
In our frailties, I’ve gathered that it is impossible to maintain any relationship without ever hurting one another. Nevertheless, I think it is always commendable to work on healing those hurts as much as possible. Sometimes, it is from the darkest moments that we most appreciate the luminescence thereafter.
Thank you so much for your sharing your thoughts with me. I appreciate your insights.
~Carla Michelle
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